A New Day

Today is December 1st and it started off well. I have to admit that lately I have been a bit "bi-polar." Not sure what to pin it down to, but I have several theories. One of which was my lack of consistent exercising. So today I set off the gym first thing once I got the kids off to school. Oh, how I need those endorphins! I love the sunshine and I vow to spend more time outside while it is still warm. Thus, my latest commitment to run in a Ragnar Relay with a good friend. I have never been a runner, but I'm kind of excited to train for it. I know those of you who have run marathons are probably laughing at my excitement, but for me this is a big step. I have never had the desire to run... outside. I started running a couple weeks ago, and I still haven't figured out how this is fun for lots of athletes. Maybe when my legs get stronger, I'll find that joy in running.

Another thing that I think has been missing is my lack of connecting spiritually. I love going to church each Sunday, but alone from that, I have to say that Monday through Saturday have been anything but spiritual. I have let my life get in the way. Feelings of self-pity, and stubbornness have crept in. I feel like I have been fighting new trials in my life, rather than trying to work through them. Particularly, Carter and his autism. I hate to say it, but sometimes, I think it just bites to have a special needs child. It's harder to communicate and be patient with a child who's brain doesn't work like mine. I'm not sure at all why I was chosen to be this child's Mom, cause I'm definitely not doing a stellar job at the moment, but in time, I hope that changes.

So instead of waiting until January to make my new year's resolutions, I have begun today. I will keep them to myself... that way you won't know when I fail. But you can probably guess a couple of them.

Now, on to positive thinking and doing!!!

October in a Nutshell

My Mom thought it would be a good idea to do some more family pictures since my Dad wasn't able to be at Kerry's wedding. He missed out on all the pictures that day in August. So on a cold day in October, we Rosander's got all primped and threw on the clothes we wore for the wedding reception. I haven't seen the final product of those pictures, but hopefully they turned out ok. My new brother-in-law snapped this picture while my parents and siblings posed. And the one below it is of Mase and Carter hanging out waiting for their turn.
The next two pictures were taken at Gardner Village in SLC. I had never been there before and was excited to go. After the couple of hours we spent there, I was convinced never to come back with my kids. It would be more fun as an "adult" girls afternoon. The place was decked out for Halloween and was very cute, but we had told my kids that there was a tractor ride to see a witch who told stories and did magic spells. I was told this information over the phone when I called to see if there was anything going on during the day that would be good for my kids. The lady I spoke with failed to mention that this particular activity started at 5pm nightly! The kids were mad. I was mad. After we got over our disappointment (and my mom bought everyone treats), the kids were happy to run around and do what they do best... argue and fight. I caught the only two smiles on camera the entire two hours we were there.

In all the years we have been traveling up to SLC for extended stays during the holidays, summers and track breaks, I have never taken my kids to see the historic Salt Lake Temple. Of course they have seen it, but we haven't spent time there like a typical tourist might. With Carter getting baptized, I thought that this would be a perfect time to do such a field trip.

We took the Trax downtown and spent the next five hours hangin' around temple square. Once we got settled into our tourist roles, it was great. We started by going into the assembly hall. They don't make buildings like that anymore! It was so beautiful with the wooden pues and old organ pipes. Later we even saw Pres. Eyring leading a group of graduates into the building for a ceremony.

After that, we headed into the south visitors center. The kids were able to view videos, commercials and other kinds of media that the church has made and distributed. And the best part is there were three video monitors! No fighting over what to watch. It was very cool and it kept them entertained for a good 20 minutes, until I said we needed to move on. That was the highlight of that building.

We walked around the grounds for a while, then went into the north visitors center. We went into the basement and were able to get a private screening of Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration movie. It is a 70 minute movie and my kids sat through the whole thing. I was surprised. I love this movie! It really depicts Joseph Smith well and the sacrifices he made in bringing about the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Awesome movie for anyone!

After the movie, we were all so hungry, but I had to take them up to the top floor to see Thorvaldsen's Christus, a magnificent 11-foot statue of the Savior. The kids thought it was cool. And it is! Just being in the presence of this awesome piece of work brought our voices to a whisper as well as everyone around us. My eyes began to tear just thinking about my Savior and His love for me and my little family. I need to always remember that when I feel like my plate is full and I feel like I've been given the wrong trials. I can do all things with the help of my God and Savior.

It was a great day... one I will remember. I hope my kids do too.

My favorite picture of the month!

Carter's big 8th birthday party at Bounce U. He has been asking for a party threre for at least a year. Seeing as it was his 8th birthday we went ahead and had his party there and he couldn't have been more happy. I don't think he slept much the night before and when we stoped at McDonald's for a hamburger before the party, Carter told the lady taking our order to "hurry it up."

I did not realize that the cake was going to be that big when I ordered it!

Halloween. Carter was a cub scout. Mase - Bob the Builder and Kam - a waitress. There is a story behind the cub scout uniform. When Carter turned 8, he was then able to attend cub scouts with our church group. He was super excited to go to the boy scout office and buy the shirt. In fact, he wanted the entire outfit... pants, short, hat, and lots of patches. We settled on the needed shirt and a hat. I think he put on the shirt at least once a day until I insisted that we wash it after Halloween night came to a close.

That was our exciting October. Hopefully now that the kids are in school, I can get back my life a bit, get the house cleaned and get ready for the next break from school.

Birthday & Baptism

Carter turned eight on October 10th. To say he was super excited for this day is a gross understatement. He had been planning his birthday probably since his last one. And not only was this any birthday, he was going to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and start going to scouts with his Dad every Wednesday night.

Carter's birthday fell on a Saturday so he was able to be baptized on his birthday. It worked out great... celebrating all day! He was so excited from the moment he woke up that day. That may have had something to do with the fact that he snuck a peek at his birthday presents before I had a chance to wrap them. The day we were to leave Vegas, he wrote me this note:

Dear Amy,

If their is any presens hiden under your bed or the sides of the bed, can you please rap them?

Thank you!

I guess, I need a new hiding place. It wasn't that original to begin with...

We woke up the morning of the 10th and got ready for the baptism. We were having a brunch before with family. I relented and let him open the gifts that he was most excited for. He got a Rip Stick, helmet, wrist, knee and elbow guards. And he was pretty excited to get his own set of scriptures that were given to him by all of his grandparents. Those were the big presents. We saved all the less exciting ones for later when we had cake. He wasn't at all happy about receiving so many articles of clothing that evening, but when you open all the good gifts first, it's all downhill from there!


I love the look on Mason's face! He could care less about scriptures!!!

The baptism was perfect. I wished our Vegas friends could have been there, but I don't think Carter cared a bit. My Mom spoke on faith. She would ask Carter questions during her talk and a couple times his cousin, Beckham, who is Mason's age would give the answer. Carter got fed up at one point, leaned over to address his younger cousin, and told him, "Beckham! I'm supposed to answer!" It was so funny!!! Surprisingly, Carter was very attentive during the program. Kamryn and Aunt Melissa sang. Uncle Mark spoke on the Holy Ghost and both Grandpa's gave their testimonies as well. I loved it! It was the perfect baptism for Carter. It was personal, intimate and very special.

After Benn baptized Carter, they were in changing out of their wet clothes and Carter held up his arms and asked Benn, "Do you see my sins?" In primary, he was taught that when someone is baptized their sins will be "washed" away and the Lord remembers them no more. I'm guessing that is what he was talking about. I love that kid!

Get Away

I made a trip to Lake Powell recently... all by myself. That hasn't happened in... well... ever, now that I think about it. I always go with my kids and Benn, but before kids, it was with Benn and before Benn it was always with family. This was the first time I drove to Powell with just me and my thoughts.

It was wonderful!

I met my parents at the dock and Kris and Lindsay were at the houseboat already. Jody, Kerry and Ben were still on their way when I arrived late Sept. 30th. It was cold, but I really didn't care. I had left my life in Vegas and I didn't want to think about it at all. I wanted to enjoy being with my siblings, their spouses and my parents all weekend.

The Rosander's were supposed to be going on an all adult trip next month, but with my Dad's recent start with chemotherapy, my Mom rescheduled the trip. My oldest brother thought it would be fun to meet in Lake Powell if my Dad was feeling up to it.

My Dad is doing well on chemo. His biggest complaint is sore's in his mouth along with a metallic taste. He also gets tired after treatment, but that wears off. He feels very blessed that he is not nauseous or losing his hair. It could be so much worse. He is getting a revalutaion the begining of November. Hopefully things will look good.

Lake Powell was colder than our usual summer trips, but it did warm up during the day. Boat rides were chilly and we would snuggle up under blankets and stay warm. I'm sure by the pictures it doesn't look one bit fun, but it was a blast!

We drove up to Dangling Rope Thursday morning. This is a place where we usually get soft serve ice cream, but not on this day. We opted for hot chocolate instead.

On the hour trip back to the houseboat we listened to music. Fun, sing-a-long type of songs at first. Then I suggested we listen to Simon and Garfunkel since my parents like them. Trying to avoid the ballads, we happen to skip over "Bridge Over Troubled Water" when my mom said to go back to that song cause she liked that one. Knowing how sentimental that song is to my Dad, I didn't think it was a good idea, but we listened as Simon and Garfunkel sang:

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
When you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

When my Dad used this song as part of this talk when my oldest brother left on his mission, I fell in love with this song as well. I'm not one to usually incorperate pop-rock into sacrament meeting, but it was done in a tasteful way. I love the lyrics.

Jump back to the boat ride... When I looked over and my parents were both wiping tears away as they listened to this song, I abruptly called for a "Next" in the playlist. I can't even imagine the silent emotions my parents are experiencing with their new reality. They put on a brave face for us, but we all have our moments, and I'm sure they have had their's. Again, all of us are staying positive and hopeful for a complete recovery.

Once we got back to the houseboat that day, I sat out on the back of the little boat all afternoon. I chatted it up with my sis-in-law, Lindsay, for a long time. It was nice to talk and not be interrupted by children. I didn't have to feed anyone but myseff, prepare sleeping areas for anyone, or clean up after anyone for three days!

Before leaving, I thought that I would take naps and read the three books I took with me, but I didn't. I talked all weekend long, read a bit, and relished being with my family. I did waterski. It was a bit chilly for my taste, but the water was smooth. I wimped out and pulled and tugged as hard as I could to get my fifteen year old wetsuit on. I couldn't breathe very well in it and tossed it after my first run. Ohhhhh, I love to waterski!!!! Wish I could do it more often.

I was sad to leave. Until next summer...



Pretty good for a mom who skis once a year :)


I love this picture of our newly-weds




Jody and I were a couple since our significant other's couldn't be there with us.

Another Diagnosis

On September 29th I learned that Carter has high functioning autism.

I already knew that because I had been doing my own research ever since I saw a piece ESPN did on a surfer named Clay Marzo. In August, Benn emailed me a video clip telling me to watch it. It was about a 20 year old surfer who had Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism. I watched it and watched it again. Over and over I watch this 12 minute video. Carter was so much like this surfer. My heart started racing, my eyes started tearing up and I knew that this was what Carter had. This made sense. For several days, I did research on the internet, talked to whomever I could about what to do for your child when you suspect such thing.

Back in the spring, I had already sought out someone to help me and Carter with some of his "quirkiness." The paperwork was enormous and I was playing the waiting game all summer just to be able to get an appointment with this particular doctor. But, when I saw this video clip, I had a sense of urgency and a feeling that I was headed in the right direction.

Asperger's or autism is not something that is curable (at least that is my belief, who knows Jenny McCarty may one day change my mind). With help of a therapist, those that with Asperger's or high functioning autism can be more aware of their limitations and work around them. I was told that in order to get the therapy that might be needed, I needed to get a diagnosis first by a neuro-psychologist.

After many phone calls I finally found a doctor that would give the appropriate tests in order to diagnosis. And so he was tested and a week later I met with the neuro-psych to discuss the results. The doctor said that most people would categorize him as having asperger's but because he was speech delayed and developmentally delayed at the age of three, he did not fit into the asperger criteria.

Here is my thinking... from what I have read most of his symptoms point to aspergers. Austism is such a large spectrum of many different behaviors and to me, the lines are fuzzy and I've heard such from other doctors and research I have found. I'm fine with the label of Austism. As the psychologist we met with stated, "It's just a label. It just means you are different, like being tall or short. Shy or outgoing. Just another label." And since we are a label kind of people who like to make sense of things, this is Carter's new label. Just add this to the list of:

Smart

Silly

Awesome at riding his bike and scooter

Loves P.E.

Tennis player

"Wipeout" watcher

Kind

Easy going

Amazing wii player

Skinny

Pancake eater

Will let his Mom smother him with kisses

Blue eyes

Prefers athletic clothes

And the list goes on and on!

How we spend our time being unemployed...

Yup, we took off for Newport Beach. Crazy and spontaneous! One of which we are not. You guess which one.

Benn lost his job Sept. 9th. It was a pretty big blow, but we are confident that we will be taken care of, somehow. So with that in mind we headed south. My thinking was, "When do we ever get the chance to take off mid-week when the weather is nice and go to the beach?" And perfect it was. I didn't want to come home, ever. I wanted to keep driving south into Mexico and just live at Benn's parents beach house in Baja. Doesn't everything seem better at the beach?

Carter spent hours in the water with the boogie board. Kamryn had a blast too doing the same thing, but she was in and out. Not Carter, I had to go out and get him to come in for a drink. He was in heaven and so was I! Mason was still recovering from his surgery and bronchitis, but he did have fun. He was more worn out than the rest of us and didn't spend as much time in the water, but he was still in good spirits.

We spent the first afternoon at Newport. I instantly wished we had brought our bikes to ride on the boardwalk... next time! The next morning, we visited the Newport Beach LDS temple. The kids were all to excited to get back to the beach, so we decided to go to Laguna and try another beach. Well... Laguna was not very kid friendly. The waves were too rough and broke right onto the beach. We stayed and had lunch there and then packed up and drove back north to Newport. The fog was coming in at Laguna, anyway. Newport was clear and beautiful. I loved every minute of it and wish we could go back as soon as yesterday!

Tonsils Out... Adnoids too

On an early Monday morning, Benn and I took Mason to the hospital to have his tonsils and adnoids out. What we thought would be a simple, quick procedure, with a week recovery turned out to be everything we didn't plan for.

We were told Mason's procedure would take about 15 min. and he would be in recovery for about an hour. He would be pretty miserable for a couple days but by the weekend he would be feeling better.

We arrived at the hospital at 8:30am, the time we were told to be there. We waited for about an hour before we were taken back to the out-patient surgery area. We changed Mase into his cute little hospital gown and waited. We waited another hour before the ENT and anethesiologist came to chat with us. Then Mason was off for his surgery. The worst part, though, was when it was time for Mason to be carted off. We didn't even get to be with him while the anethesiologist knocked him out. I felt like I was abandoning my little guy. While the nurse was letting him push the button to open the big doors into the surgery area, we made our exit quietly hoping that he wouldn't put up a fight.

Back into the waiting room, we waiting and waited. The 15 minute surgery took longer than planned. Once we were finally able to go back to one of the recovery rooms, my little man looked so sad. He was sleeping and had an IV in him. He had been given some pain meds and we were to wait there to make sure he didn't vomit from the anethesia. He looked cold and uncomfortable. My heart ached for him. That was the first time I thought, "Was this really worth it?"

Mason has had recurring sore throats for over a year now. He would get an infection about every 6 weeks on average. So the ENT said they needed to come out. His tonsils had some deep pockets where bacteria couldn't be whiped out by antibiotics, thus sore throats every so often.


We were at the hospital for a whopping 5.5 hours. Mason was in so much pain. He was on antibiotics and tylenol with codine round the clock. He didn't want to take his meds cause it hurt. He didn't want to drink or eat cause it hurt. We were told that kids get dehydrated in situations like this because they refuse to drink. We were threatening his life so he would sip water and eat applesauce.

The first night went well as did all the nights as long as we kept him medicated.

Tuesday morning came and so did the vomit. Mason threw-up five times that morning. I called the ENT. He told me he was dehydrated and needed to go to the emergency room ASAP. So off we went back to the hospital. While we were there, the ER doc said that he seemed a bit dehydrated but since he urinated while we were there, it seemed that the vomitting was due to a flu bug. NICE! We were sent home with some zofran to stop the vomitting and told to keep him drinking (which we had been doing all along).

Each day seemed to be a small degree better than the day before. By the end of the week though, I was worried about the congestion in the back of his throat that seemed to be lingering there. He would suppress coughing and then gag and spit up some super yummy stuff. It just didn't seem right that he would have all this crud in his lungs due to his tonsils and adnoids being taken out.

I finally took him to the pediatrician Sunday morning. BRONCITIS!!! Luckily, I had already started the albuteral with the nebulizer the day before in an effort to break up the mucas. His antibiotic was changed and days later there was much improvement. I just couldn't believe the odds! A flu bug and broncitis while recovering from surgery. I was so glad that Benn was around to help or else I would have gone crazy trying to care for him and the other kids too.

By the time Mason was eating and feeling better he lost some weight, four lbs. to be exact. But when he only weighs 41 lbs. to begin with, that is a lot to lose. He looked so skinny. His underwear didn't fit him and his shorts were falling off him. He looked like one of those malnourished kids you see in National Geographic. His appetite is now back and he wants to eat all the time. I am happy to feed him whatever he wants. Although, he now thinks that Wendy's frosty's are something we need everyday.

Diagnosis

After I finished posting about the drama with my Dad's surgeries and Kerry's wedding, I realized that I never did write about my Dad's actual diagnosis. That came after the wedding. When my Dad went in for his second surgery to set his bowel right, the surgeon took a biopsy of the nodules on his liver. That was sent for testing in California. It took a week or so to get the results back. We were all very hopeful because the doctors thought the nodules on his liver and lungs looked to be the same as what was removed with his kidney - and that was a contained tumor. But how lucky can we be twice, right? So, my Dad does in fact have cancer. It is called cromaphobe renal cell carcinoma. Basicly he has a rare form of Kidney cancer. Only 5% of those who get kidney cancer get this kind. He is in stage IV, which means that his cancer is not curable nor operable. If the oncologist gave my Dad any kind of time line, he did not share that with the rest of us. The question of time has a lot to do with factors like, how early the cancer was detected, age, and overall health. If you know my Dad, he is about as healthy as a sixty-one year old can be. He doesn't smoke, drink, and he is in excellent shape. All of that will help. Chemotherapy will only prolong my Dad's life and slow the growth of the cancer. BUT, I am choosing to stay positive and remind myself of the priesthood blessings that were given to my Dad. Miracles do happen, that I know for sure!

Thank you to all who have expressed their concern for me and my family during this time. I have such wonderful friends, neighbors and family members. I feel your prayers and know that I have been strengthened by them.

THE Wedding - Kerry and Ben Fogg

All I can say is, "It's about time!" What took only seconds for our family to realize it took Kerry and Ben a little longer. But we are just glad they finally took the plunge and got married. We love these two together! Ben fits perfectly in our family and he is a welcome addition to the Rosander extended family. As I wrote about in a previous post, this wedding and the events that led up to it (My Dad and his cancer, surgeries, etc.) were nothing short of a miracle. I felt very blessed to have witnessed these two being sealed together for eternity. It was a beautiful day, with so much to celebrate. Here are some of the many pictures taken that day (and of the wedding dinner the night before as well.)

Sam & Dax

Congratulations to Mark and Chelsey on their twin boys!

Sam Taft - 4 lbs 1 oz & 18 inches long

Dax Wallace - 4 lbs 12 oz & 19 inches long

Born August 10th 2009

Donut Falls

While we were in SLC for my sister's wedding, and were trying to stay out of my parent's house as much as possible, I decided to take my kids up the mountains and hike around. We never do the nature sort of things with the kids so I thought this would be a great time to do an easy hike to Donut Falls. I grew up going to the mountians often. Years ago, my parents and Grandparents had a cabin built up Big Cottonwood Canyon. We would visit the cabin often. We spent many snowy days there snowmobilling around the mountain, drinking hot chocolate, playing games and getting warm by the fire. I loved the winter up there. I didn't so much enjoy it when there was no snow. I thought that there wasn't anything to do. At one point we did have a four-wheeler and that was fun to drive around, but my parent's always wanted to walk around and just relax. That seemed to be no fun back then. Now that sounds lovely!!

The cabin was sold when I was in college, much to my Dad's dismay. He loved the cabin. It reminded him of his mom who passed away of liver cancer back in 1990. I loved my Nana and miss herso much. I'm sad that Benn and my kids never got to meet her in this life. I can understand why my Dad would be sad to let something go like that. Funny what aging does to your perspective and outlook on life.

At one point our family had more than our share of Jeep Wranglers. My Dad loves cars and he doesn't like getting rid of them even when they are past their prime. He had a thing for Jeeps aparently. We had three at one point. An '85 CJ7 grey in color, a '91 Wrangler (I called this the barbie jeep), and a '99 Wrangler Sahara with air-conditioning. This is the plush jeep that my Dad still ownes although it doesn't get too much drive time. It is still in prestine condition. The barbie jeep now has the snow plow on it and is only used in the winter. And the CJ has been gone a while now.

I remember taking two of them for a ride through Guardsman's Pass. This is a trial that links Big Cottonwood Canyon to Park City. I thought that was so much fun and felt especially cool when my Dad let me drive part of the off-road trail.

So when I had the idea to take the kid up the canyon, I was determined to take them in the Jeep! I really wanted to get the top off with the help of my brothers, and since my Dad was recovering up in his room, he didn't really need to be bothered by my plan. But when Kris told me that the top has never been off the '99 Sahara, I let it slide, although it really would have been more fun with the top off.

We set off for the canyon. The kids thought it was so fun to ride in such a small SUV. I was a bit rusty with the stick shift and Mason and Carter told me more than once to stop jerking the car. When we got to the trail head, we set off at a good pace. It wasn't long before someone noticed the bugs. Ohhh, the bugs!!! At one point a dainty butterfly flew by that sent Kamryn and Carter ducking and running. I had to explain that it was a beautiful butterfly that wouldn't hurt them in the least. It was then that I realized that we definitely need to be out in nature more often.

Once we got to the waterfall, Kamryn wanted to head back to the Jeep. Carter wanted to climb up to the top like some older boys were doing. And Mase just wanted to get wet. We had a good time. The weather was perfect, the mountains majestic, and the complaining was kept to a minimum. All in all the trip was a success!







I now realize you can't even see the "donut" part of the falls in the pictures. It's at the very top. There is another trail that takes you higher so you can see that part better, but we didn't have desire to back track and find that upper trail. Maybe another time...

Continued... for the last time!!!!

Man, I have got to finish this thing off today. I love writing about this time in my life, but because I have so much to say, I put off writing. I have got to get on with it and be done (cause there is so much other stuff to blog about!).

Ok, I left off at the wedding dinner. After having such a great night with my siblings, their spouses, and mom, I was so exhausted. I just wanted to go to bed. We didn't leave the dinner until 9:30ish. My mom wanted to hurry home to change and get to the hospital to see my Dad as he got out of surgery. Jody and Cory were going up (their kids were spending the night at their other grandparents house, lucky!!!), Kerry and Ben, were going. I really wanted to go, but was so tired. And if you know me, sleep pretty much is my first priority whenever I get tired. And I figured that we would see my Dad tomorrow after the wedding. Well, when Kris came over to pick up my mom, I knew that I had to go. I felt bad for leaving Benn, since he had just flown in before the wedding dinner and we hadn't had much time to catch up and be with each other. But he was understanding and said that I should go. And I am so glad I did!

Kris raced us up to LDS hospital because my Mom was trying to meet with the surgeon before he left. My Mom and I got into the hospital right as my Dad was being wheeled out of surgery. OH. MY. GOSH!!!! My Dad was so alert. So hilarious. Looked so much better than the days past. He was chatting with whomever would listen. He looked at me and his eyes welled up with tears and he said, "I'm so glad your here. You are beautiful." I lost it. I held my Dad's hand while they wheeled him into his room, while my Mom chatted it up with the surgeon, and while the nurse got him hooked up to every machine possible in his room. Many times he told me he was glad I was there and how beautiful I was. The anethesia was awesome!!! He said he felt so much better than he'd had in the past 10 days, which was good to hear. Now on the road to recovery!

My Dad joked with the nurses and with all of us. He was quoting stand up comedian, Brian Regan, and was having what seemed to be a very good time. It was after 11 o'clock before we said that we needed to get going. He didn't want any of us to leave, especially my Mom. He kissed her as she hugged him and I started to bawl once again. To see the love between my Dad and Mom was such a pick-me-up at that time. We left with a prayer of thanksgiving and graditude for the wonderful angels that were helping my Dad and Mom, Dr. Staker and now surgeon, Dr. Rees.

Went back to my Mom's and slept little that night. Had to be up early to help Kerry and get eveything ready to be at the temple by 9:30.

Thursday, Aug. 13th. While I was getting myself ready for the temple I heard Benn on the phone with somone. He was talking about my Dad being at the temple that morning. I froze and with shock asked Benn who he was talking to and what he was talking about. Well, at this present day, Benn doesn't remember who he was talking to or what was being talked about. Men!!! Well, at the time Benn told me that my Dad was going to try and make it to the temple with the help of Dr. Staker. What?!? How?!!? The man, just had surgery last night! I was all of a sudden on this incredible high. My heart was racing and I felt like I was on a caffine drip. I think I did have a diet coke that morning, but the 12 oz. can couldn't be the reason for my giddiness. We made it to the temple in plenty of time. I felt like I was rushing to see if my Dad was really in fact going to be at the temple.

We walked into the waiting area, and most of this is a blur to me. I remember a lot of people being there, but who I spoke with and who I excitedly told of my Dad maybe coming that morning, my mind has failed me, and I don't remember. I just remember Dr. Staker wheeling my Dad through the crowd up to the temple worker that ushers everyone to their respective sealing rooms. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. My Dad was fighting to keep himself composed. I don't have that fight in me. I just let it out. I couldn't believe it! My Dad was there to see my sister get married! It was what we all had prayed for! A miracle was happening right before my eyes!!! I held his hand. He did't talk much, I could tell he was in pain and with his emotions, he was just trying to keep everything together.

I do remember walking back to the bathroom to gather more tissue. I then saw my brother, Kris, and his wife, Lindsay. I told them that Dad was there, in the temple. Kris didn't believe me. But it was true. I still can't believe that it was true.

When it was time, we all ushered into the sealing room. All us ladies, prepared for the tears that would surely come. And come they did! It was the most perfect ceremony I have been to. The temple is a sacred place and I felt like I was witnessing a very sacred moment. Words cannot express the feelings in me. I was overcome with the spirit of our Lord. He is merciful, kind and just. And at that time I recommitted myself to always do His will (and in light of recent events, also accept His will). My testimony was strengthened that day, like it never has been. Even as I write this, the feelings are coming back to me and it is hard to hold back the tears.

My Dad's good friend, Joseph Goodman, was the one who sealed Kerry and Ben together for time and eternity. I think I may have mentioned him in one of the earlier posts about how he gave my Dad a blessing before his kidney surgery... Anyway, he didn't know that my Dad was going to be there that morning. He was pretty choked up during the ceremony as well. I don't think there was a dry eye, at least on the Rosander side, in that room. I really didn't want to leave that room or the temple that day. It was an amazing, beautiful experience.

This day was the reason I had to write about all of this. Again, I can't explain or put into words the feelings of despair that I felt during this time, nor can I fully describe the joy that was felt when by the hands of angels, the Lord answered my families sincere prayers. My Dad made it to the temple to see my sister get married!!! My heart is seriously overflowing right now as I write, just as it was that day.

The Lords hears us when we pray. He does answer prayers. All we have to do is put our faith in Him. How very simplistic the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is!!!

"Therefore, let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel." Alma 26:16

continued... again...

My mom got the word that I was planning on staying at Jody's house and she would have none of that. She called me while I was driving up to SLC and said that if I was coming that I would be staying at her house where there were ample bedrooms for us. She said that I should never feel like I couldn't stay at her house. I really appreciated her words, but I knew that I had made her feel guilty by planning to stay at Jody's. I told her that I had plans to do activities with my kids each day and try and keep them quiet so Dad could rest.

We showed up at my parents and unloaded our gear. It was, again, great to be home! Summer in SLC is the best with the cool nights and the green mountains, green lawns, and blue sky. Kamryn ran right up to her friends house and played for a bit while I got everything settled. When all was done, I went to my parents room to see my Dad. He was just as my brother Kris described. Eyes closed, sitting in his chair, frail, and appeared to be in pain. He also had sporadic hiccups that hurt as well. He had aged quite a bit to me. He couldn't keep his eyes open for long and couldn't speak much, so I didn't stay long. Each of the kids came in to say their hello's too. They were at a loss for words seeing their Pa like that. So we did our best to be quiet and stay out of the house.

Sunday Aug. 9th - I have to mention that when I showed up in SLC, I was determined to be positive and upbeat, despite the situation at hand. That morning I heard my Mom, sternly telling my Dad he needed to eat so he could get his strength to go to the temple Tuesday. My Mom made him a protein shake, but he only drank a bit. He still had no appetite. My mom was getting frustrated and was determined to find my Dad's doctor come Monday morning, which made me begin to worry.

Before church I was ironing all the clothes needed for that day and I had some Paul Cardall music on. He was playing I Love to See the Temple and the tears started to come. I kept thinking, "Yeah, I would love to see the temple, with my sister and Dad there together!" I thought about Lazarus being raised from the dead by Christ. I thought about all the miracles of early latter day saints being raised from their sick beds by the power of the priesthood given to Joseph Smith. I thought that we needed a miracle to get my Dad to the temple and to participate in my sister's wedding. It could happen!

While I was in thought my Dad showed up in the door-way out of breath. He had decided to go walk around upstairs like the doctor ordered. I went up to him and gave his weak body a hug. He could barely hug me back. And as my tears fell on his shoulder my faith waivered. I knew it could happen, that he could miraculously be healed, just as the scriptures testify of, but the how was another thing.

I went to church with my mom and kids. A good friend of my Dad's was speaking that day. He being so close to my Dad knew of his condition. And I just happened to be sitting in his line of sight, which made things worse for me. This friend looked so solemn sitting on the stand and I knew he was thinking of my parents. I couldn't make it through the opening hymn without crying. I probably could have done it if I hadn't looked at my Mom. Knowing that she was surrounded by her ward family and many of them didn't even know the pain she was in, broke my heart. It was normal for my mom to attend her church meetings without my Dad because he served in the stake High Council and attended a different ward's meetings. People probably wondered what was wrong with my mom's emotional daughter who never shows up with her husband (cause he always has to work and can't make it to SLC with me all the time). Anyway, as the talks began, the subject was on fasting and prayer. Fasting and prayer!!! We happened to be doing a lot of that lately, even at that very moment. When our friend spoke he only had a couple of minutes, but those were the best few minutes of the meeting. He talked about prayer and how the prophet Joseph Smith said,

"Be plain and simple and ask for what you want, just like you would go to a neighbor and say, I want to borrow your horse to go to the mill."

I loved it. I had been praying for my Dad to be healed, but maybe that was the wrong approach. So that night and for the next few days I prayed and simply asked for my Dad to make it to Kerry's wedding. Of course I thought that meant that he would be healed, but the Lord has His own way of doing things.

After church, I felt better. This was due to the fact that when I went to check on my Dad he was watching tennis and was alert. I told him he looked better than when I showed up Friday evening. He said he was trying to get better. My heart broke again. I can't imagine what he was feeling. I mean other than recovering from surgery his last child and daughter was to be married in four days and he couldn't even walk to the across his room without being completely exhausted. He was probably just as frustrated as my mom.

Monday Aug. 10th - I woke up that morning, came out of my room just as someone was coming out of my Dad's room that I didn't recognize. It happened to be Dr. Staker, who is in my parent's stake and who is also a retired family physician who is now employed by the church and attends to the needs of the church leaders in Salt Lake. He showed up that morning to check on my Dad unbeknownst to anyone. I don't know if he had gotten word through somebody else or had spoke to my Dad directly about his health, but whatever the case he was at the house. He tried to help my Dad with his painful hiccups and told him to keep eating and walking. That afternoon my Dad starts vomiting because of the hiccups. So there goes all the protein my Mom's tried to get into my Dad's system. For two hours, my Mom tried to help my Dad get the hiccups and vomiting under control. Dr. Staker came over again that night and helped my Dad with some breathing techniques to control the hiccups. Which seemed to work a little. This day seemed like such a set back and my Mom told me that she was preparing herself mentally for the fact that my Dad would miss my sister's wedding entirely. I'm sure my sister was a mess as well. This was not the way these things were to happen. I mean what are the odds? A wedding is planned. It is supposed to be the happiest time of a family's life. The father of the bride has surgery to remove a tumor on his kidney and isn't healing as quickly as expected and now may not participate in the wedding. I was still holding out for a miracle.

Oh I forgot to mention that this particular Monday morning, my brother, Mark and his wife, had their twins. Just throw that into the mix of everything going on. They had two boys. One was 4 lbs. 12 oz and the other was 4 lbs. 2 oz (I think). There names are Sam and Dax and all is well with them. I will write more on them later.

Tuesday Aug. 11th - Dr. Staker came over again in the morning. He whisked my Dad out of bed, got him dressed and told my Mom to go find a folding lawn chair. He was taking my Dad on a walk... outside! He said the goal was to get my Dad to the temple on Thursday morning to see Kerry get married. I couldn't believe it and I'm sure my Dad was pretty stunned too. They walked about four houses down the street, stopped took a rest and walked back. My Dad said that he thought he was going to die. I felt bad for him because I know he wanted to feel better, but he just wasn't. He wasn't sleeping well because of the hiccups and discomfort. It was puzzling for all of us. You would think that each day my Dad would feel a little better than the previous day, but that wasn't happening at all.

That night, Kerry, received her endowments in the Salt Lake Temple. I was so glad to be there sitting by my other sister, Jody, in the temple. Mark of course wasn't there, but our other brother Kris was there along with Cory, Jody's husband, my Mom's sister and one of her brothers. And Kerry's soon-to-be in laws, Mindy and Brad. That was the beginning of the wedding festivities.

Wednesday Aug. 12th - Dr. Staker came over again in the morning. Nothing new happening and still no improvement from my Dad. The Doctor ordered my Mom to take my Dad to get a chest x-ray. So away they went. They were gone all day. From getting the X-Ray to the emergency room. It was found that my Dad's bowel was twisted. A complication from the first surgery of removing his kidney. That is why he was hiccuping, vomiting, didn't want to eat or wasn't getting any better. Finally an answer! My Mom left my Dad at the hospital awaiting another surgery to attend the wedding dinner for my sister. During the dinner, my Mom received a call that my Dad was going into surgery. Seriously, the timing on all of this is crazy! It was really a relief to all of us to know that there was a reason that my Dad wasn't recovering. Kerry told me that she would rather Dad be in the hospital recovering from another surgery and missing the wedding than him be at home like he was for the past week.

The dinner was great! We were all there except for my Dad. Even Chelsey who had just given birth two days ago was there! We were all in good spirits that night. Even my Mom seemed to enjoy the evening. Kerry was marrying a great guy, the mystery of my Dad was being solved and even if he didn't make it to the wedding the next morning, well... that would've been fine too.

To Be Continued...

continued...

Before I begin again, I thought I would include pictures of Kerry's bridal shower. The shower was great. I realized that I need a bridal shower. Kerry received some things that I would love to have in my home. We had a lot of yummy food with Jody's perfect chocolate cupcakes for dessert. While Jody and I were out shopping for the shower, we stepped into a little boutique filled with home decor. It was there that we bought my mom a little plaque with the following quote by President Eyring:

You need never be discouraged or afraid. The way through difficulties has always been prepared for you and you will find it if you exercise faith.

This is my new theme for life.

I left Salt Lake August 3rd only to be home in Vegas for five days until I went back for Kerry's endowment session and wedding festivities. My Dad was scheduled for surgery the day after I left. His kidney and tumor were removed laproscopicly, which is amazing to me. The doctor said the surgery went well and he was hopeful that my Dad would be feeling better to be able to attend the temple session on Saturday with my sister. My sisters, Jody and Kerry, and my Mom were at the hospital when my dad came out of surgery. They told me that Dad was cracking them up while he was coming out of the anesthesia and that being the case actually brightened eveyone's mood.

My Dad was released from the hospital Wednesday morning. I tried calling him Tuesday, Wednesday, actually all week, I had tried to talk to my Dad. Every day I would call and my Mom would tell me that he was resting or unable to talk. I was worried about my Dad.

I went to dinner with some friends the night after my Dad's surgery. One of my friends was speaking of a difficult time in her life, when I began to fight off tears. I had been thinking about my Dad all day and hearing about this good friend's trying experience set me off. The table of friends wondered why I was crying so out came the story. If felt good to finally talk to someone on the "outside" although I think I put a severe damper on the night.

My Dad wasn't healing as quickly as expected. I talked to my brother Kris and he said that Dad would just sit in his chair, eyes closed, and breathe heavily. He didn't watch TV and he couldn't talk very well because he had been intubated during surgery. The pain meds were wiping him out. The doctor told him he needed to eat and move in order to get better, but how could he when he was so drugged? I was antsy to get up to SLC again and see my Dad. As a side note, that I won't go into, I have other stressors going on in my life that seemed to add to my unstable emotional state. Soooo... when my Mom called Thursday night to tell me that they were going to post-pone Kerry's endowment session until the following Tuesday to give my Dad more time to recover and that I need not come up until Monday, I was devestated! I knew that coming up and staying at my parent's home with my three energetic kids might add to my Mom's stress level. But I was thinking of myself and I needed to leave, to get out of my house, to see my Dad, to talk to my Dad. Again, I cried much that night not knowing what to do. I wanted so badly to head North and get out of my house. I wanted my Dad to recover and be at the temple with the rest of us. I wanted some control of my life. I had to realize that I'm not the one in control.

The next morning, Friday morning, I woke up with large puffy eyes and a headache. I walked into Carter's room after getting out of bed. He was zipping up a large suitcase. He told me he had packed and was ready to go to Salt Lake once school let out that day. He had packed every article of clothing that was in his closet and drawers! When I told him that we might not be going to Salt Lake, he started to cry and I did too. How could I get a grip when I started the day out that way?

I started getting Kamryn and Carter ready for their last day of school, promising them that we would be going somewhere when I picked them up at 12:20pm. For some reason I felt the need to get rid of Mason that morning too. I texted a friend before 8am and asked if the offer to watch Mason that day was still good. Earlier in the week she had asked if Mason could come over Friday, but I had told her that we would be leaving that day, so it probably wouldn't work out. She was one of my angels that day. She quickly responded that Mason would be welcome at her house. So away I went. Mason was on her front door step in Anthem Highlands at 8:30am. She really did me a favor. I needed time to think and work out my plan for the day without someone at my feet acting like a moose or horse or tiger or whatever animal Mason was pretending to be that day.

Right away I got on the phone. I called my Grandpa's wife to see if I could stay in St. George at their condo for the weekend. That didn't work. I tried calling my friend in Phoenix to see if she would like some company for the weekend, but I couldn't get a hold of her. I was desperate to find somewhere to go even if it wasn't North. I felt frantic and my emotions showed it. I thought about shacking up at my sister's house near my parents home, but that would require sleeping on the floor. Not my style, but I would do it to get out of here.

I can't remember if Jody called me or I called her, but she asked before I could. Did I want to stay with her? Of course I did. Now crying because my plan consisted of the very thing I wanted, going to SLC, I tried to get packed and run the errands I needed to do before leaving town. First thing first... I needed a fountain diet coke. I sat in front of Chevron on the phone crying to a friend trying to explain my plight before I could go in and perk myself up with a little caffine. I was such a mess. Now I didn't know how I was going to drive six hours to SLC with my kids and no husband. I was drained and it was only 9:30am!

Benn wanted to come home before I left, so I took that opportunity to have him give me a blessing. I needed some peace and reassurance pronto! I am so grateful for the priesthood. I wish I would have had a blessing sooner. Maybe I wouldn't have been such a complete disaster the previous two weeks. Everything's fine one minute and completely wrong the next. Up and down, down and up. That is how my mood was at that time and it was not plesant. I don't remember a thing Benn said in the blessing he gave me, but I did make it up to Salt Lake without injury. Despite my emotional (crazy!) state, I was very awake and calm on my drive up to SLC. I was able to listen to MY music while all the kids had ear phones on, which did wonders to my soul! I sang my favorite songs - songs that I listened to in college and high school. When does that ever happen? Ohhhh, I loved that drive up.

To be continued... again...

Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen...

Monday July 27th 2009 - This is the day my life was interrupted and a heavy cloud was cast upon me. My sister, Jody, called me late in the day to let me know that my Dad was scheduled for some tests because there was a tumor found on his kidney. My Dad had seen a patient in his office a week or so earlier who is a physician and at times has helped him with the persistent pain in his back. My Dad then visited this physician as a patient. He was given a physical exam before seeing to his back. It was then that the physician found that my Dad's liver seemed enlarged. My Dad was then told to get an ultra-sound and CAT scan. These tests showed a tumor on his kidney that was pushing against the liver making the liver seem enlarged. The doctors seemed to think it was cancer. With this news my life was turned upside-down and it was hard to get a grip through the next several days. That night I cried myself to sleep.

The next day was worse. I cried a whole lot more. Mason asked me why I was crying that morning. I told him I was just sad. He then said, "If you sing a song, it will make you feel better." I tried singing, There is Sunshine in My Soul Today all day. It didn't help. My visiting teachers came as they were scheduled to, but I really wanted to cancel and be left alone. I didn't talk about it, cause I knew that would bring on more tears and fear. So I tried to smile and get through our 30 minutes of visiting. I had a hat on, so it was difficult to tell that my eyes were puffy from the night before. Kamryn and Carter were in school and Mason took a nap that afternoon. I tried to clean my house as I had planned, but I kept falling apart. I wanted to talk about it with my siblings and Benn, but found it extremely difficult to talk through the tears. My emotions were so close to the surface that the slightest thought about my Dad sent me crying and gasping for air. I don't remember ever in my life crying that way. I physically felt pain. I felt exhausted. I felt numb by the end of the day as the tears would just roll down my cheeks. I was in a deep despair all day. I thought about all the senarios this could play out. In the end, no matter what happens, even if I lost my Dad to cancer the worst thing would be that I would miss him terribly in this life. The gospel of Jesus Christ is comforting. I found this out, even though I felt at such a low this day, I knew I would find peace through the atonement. I thought a lot about the atonement that day. All the pain I felt that day and all the pain my family was going though, that is nothing compared the pain that Christ felt as he atoned for the sins of this world. My love for my Savior grew that day and I knew that I would have to put my faith in Him and He could take away the fear and agony I felt. I just had to make the first move to let go.

I was finally able to talk to my Dad Tuesday night, almost twenty-four hours after I had talked to Jody. I felt much better instantly. He didn't want to talk about the "what if's." He felt fine and that was it. We talked about my kids as we always do and other things going on. Although I felt better, I still cried myself to sleep once again.

Wednesday July 29th 2009 - I woke and started my fast with a prayer and read my scriptures. My entire family was fasting for my Dad. He was having more tests done that day that would help the doctors determine a course of action. I prayed all day for stronger faith. I prayed that whatever the outcome, I would accept it and know that it would be God's will. That night, my brother, Kris, called and told me that indeed the doctor's felt like the tumor was cancerous. And there were lesions found on his lungs and kidney's. It seemed that things were going from bad to worse really quick. My Dad was scheduled to have his kidney out the following Monday and to start chemotherapy two weeks later. The doctor felt like if my Dad had his kidney out on Monday Aug. 3rd, then he would feel well enough to be to the temple on Saturday to see my sister receive her endowments, since she was to be married on the 13th.

My parents didn't want word getting out. They didn't even want us, their kids, to know. They didn't want to ruin Kerry's wedding by this awful news. So mum was the word for the most part. My Dad asked a good friend of his, Joseph Goodman, to give him a blessing that night after his testing. My Dad thinks the world of Joe and sees him as a mentor and perfect example who exhibits Christ like qualities. My family gathered for this priesthood blessing to be given - that is all but me and my family since we were 500 miles away. I later learned that the blessing given to my Dad was a very powerful and touching one. My mom recalled that in the blessing, my Dad was told that his life on earth was not yet complete and that he and my mom would serve a mission together. My Dad would recover and be made whole again. I wish I could have been there so badly. I felt strengthened and in good spirits by the blessing that was given.

Thursday July 30th 2009 - I flew to Salt Lake this day with Kamryn and Mason. My sisters and I were giving Kerry a bridal shower on Saturday and the timing was great. For three days, all I wanted was to be with my family in SLC. My parents came to the airport to pick us up. I was so happy to see my Dad. Words cannot express the relief that came over me. I don't know what I expected, but to see my Dad just the way I knew him to be was so comforting. The weekend was great. I have said many times that I love being with my family and this time was even better. I guess to know that we were all struggling with this new reality and that we would get through it together was comforting. Being far away when the news came was very difficult to say the least. Spending a weekend with my family was just what I needed. My Dad was a new man in a way. He was quiet, but not in the ticking-time-bomb quiet that he sometimes was in the past. He was thoughtful and peaceful. He had no interest in what was on TV or the latest book he was reading, other than the scriptures. He wanted to talk and be with me or whomever was at the house. He wanted to tell Kamryn about his youth. He was a different man for sure. Simply put, it was nice.

To be continued...

We love the Riggs!

What can we say? Rarely does a SLC trip not involve seeing our good friends, the Riggs'. This time I had the treat of taking the kids swimming. It was only going to be Cassidy and Natalie, but when I saw Chase I couldn't resist taking him along. When the Riggs' lived near us, I watched that little guy so often that he had a special little place in my heart. He and Mason had the best time together so it was worth it to pack another kid in.