Some people are negative people and love to whine about their lives. Some people are positive people and have a wonderfully optimistic perspective on everything. Some people try to pretend that everything is lovely even when things are not so. Some people hide when life gives lemons.
I don't know what kind of person I am. I just know that the last year has been difficult and I don't think things are going to get easier for our family anytime soon. It's really hard when, life as you've known for the last 11 years turns upside down. And even though it's been a year, I am still yet to figure it all out.
I like to plan. I no longer have a plan. There are a lot of things I don't have anymore to come to think of it. I have a house, but we don't live there, nor will we again. Our furniture is there, but we arn't. Some day soon that will change. We will have to make the final move out of our house this summer. I don't look forward to that day. Change is hard to take sometimes.
Kids are resiliant. Me? Not so much. It's touch and go some days. I have a hard time letting go of some things. My sister told me today to let go of the Hawaii trip that we took last year. I can't. Things were good last May 7-15. May 17th 2010 sucked!!!!
That was the day Benn lost his job. Six months earlier, he lost a good job. A year before that, Benn's company, went under.
Almost immediately after Benn lost his job for the second time, we decided to go back to school. Benn applied to Westminister College's MBA program, got accepted and we moved in with my parents the begining of August 2010.
During May-July, Benn worked valet at a new condo high-rise at Vegas' City Center. There were a total of 6 residents at the time. His shift was 11pm-7am. He didn't park many cars, if any. It was hard to see him leave to work as I was going to bed and watch him crawl into bed as I was getting the kids to school. He made a lousy pay-check. I taught my swim lessons and we got through the summer.
My neighbor wanted to throw a "good-bye" party for the kids. We did it the second to last day of school, Wednesday Aug. 3. I made an email invite for the kids and put a Miley Cyrus song to it. 'Time Of Our Lives.' The day before the party, I heard that song while I was in the shower and I cried. The day of the party I woke up with the song 'Let it Be' in my head. I put that as my Facebook status.
After the party, some of my girlfriends took me out for my birthday, which was the week before, and as a last farewell, I guess. I was nervous to go and kind of didn't want to. How do you say good-bye to friends? I tried to remember it wasn't really good bye since we were planning on coming down in a couple weeks. I had a great time. We laughed and talked late into the night, sitting at a table in Town Square. I really hate good-byes.
Then we moved the last day of school, August 4. At first it seemed like an extended vacation. We went to Lake Powell days after we moved up. Weeks later, we went to Southern California for an austic surf camp, Surfer's Healing. We also went to Disneyland and hit the beach. We also visited our home in Las Vegas and saw some friends.
School started for Benn. School started for the kids. I cried every day as I would walk to school with them. Tears run down my face as I think about it. I didn't like my new ward. I cried when I was introduced in Relief Society. I cried when I had to talk in church. A lot of crying, I guess. But it was only for moments at a time.
Benn looked for jobs. I looked for jobs. They were hard to come by. I was being paid by my sister to watch her 3 kids 2 days a week. Finally one sleepless night at 1:00am, I desperately applied online to all the Gap jobs availible in the SLC area. Banana Republic, Gap, Old Navy. All of them. The next day Gap Outlet in Park City called. A week later I was working 30 hrs. a week at Gap Outlet. It was exhausting!!! That was October 2010. I missed my family. Kamryn didn't like me being gone all the time. I hated it. I also started cleaning my Dad's office on the weekends.
Benn did odd jobs for neighbors and finally was promised a job with a contractor when their project started. Was suppossed to start in January. But consistent with construction, the job started months later.
My parents are awesome! They have helped us out tremendously and I can't thank them enough. But as much as we all love each other, sometimes love is better when it's given some distance. Moving out into a rental doesn't seem to be in the cards right now, though. So we will continue to mesh our lives together and hopefully not kill anyone in the meantime.
I was really proud of myself. My emotional break didn't come until 6 months after our move. The straw that broke the camel's back was a text from Benn early one Thursday morning in February, while I was opening the Gap store. It read, "Burb needs a new battery." That was all it took. I started crying and couldn't stop. My manager told me to go home, but I couldn't. I needed the meager money it provided. I sucked it up enough to get through what was left of my nine hour shift. When I got home the water works started again. It was about 9pm when my Dad sat me down to "talk." He got an earful. I talked for 2 hours and went through a box of tissues. Anything and everything came out of my mouth. Worries, fears, frustrations, all mixed in with a ton of anger.
I took a sleeping pill that night (they are my best friend some nights) and woke up the next day not feeling any better. Probably caused I looked and felt like crap.
I've had smaller melt downs, but none as emotional as that one.
Benn loves school. He is doing so well and it makes me happy that is he enjoying it. I love him! Even though we have had and contine to have trials, we work through them together well. We don't fight really. We just pick each other up when we need to. He is mostly picking me up, though.
My kids make me happy. I love that they are happy. Although last weekend we walked outside and Carter yelled, "I hate it here! Can we move back to Las Vegas?" The weather was cold and it was frustrating him. It's been a long and cold winter/spring. I felt the same way! But truly, the kids are thriving here. I would even consider staying permanently in my parent's ward because they like the neighborhood so well. I don't know if we will be so fortunate though.
My sister's are my friends. We are together a lot since we all live so close. I have had one "girl's" night with some gals in the ward. And Benn and I have been out once with some couples too. We kind of stick to the family. It's too easy to do that. When you make friends I feel like we have explain our situation, but most peole hear we are from Vegas, Benn is in construction, and they put two and two together. It's a no brainer, really.
The funny thing is, for the longest time, I thought that since we were doing our best to be good member's of the church, that we wouldn't be the ones to loose the job, loose the house. But now I know that trials come to all at all different times. It may not be loosing a job/house for some people, but it is or will be something. Nobody gets to go through life livin' on easy street.
Benn is waiting to see if he can get a loan for summer semester tuition. I'm not worried. If he gets the money, he will take two classes. If he doesn't get the money, then he will have to be in school for longer and his expected graduation will be a bit later. Oh well. It will work out. It always does... it will work out how it's supposed to work out.
Faith. It's hard sometimes, but I'm tryin'.
