Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen...

Monday July 27th 2009 - This is the day my life was interrupted and a heavy cloud was cast upon me. My sister, Jody, called me late in the day to let me know that my Dad was scheduled for some tests because there was a tumor found on his kidney. My Dad had seen a patient in his office a week or so earlier who is a physician and at times has helped him with the persistent pain in his back. My Dad then visited this physician as a patient. He was given a physical exam before seeing to his back. It was then that the physician found that my Dad's liver seemed enlarged. My Dad was then told to get an ultra-sound and CAT scan. These tests showed a tumor on his kidney that was pushing against the liver making the liver seem enlarged. The doctors seemed to think it was cancer. With this news my life was turned upside-down and it was hard to get a grip through the next several days. That night I cried myself to sleep.

The next day was worse. I cried a whole lot more. Mason asked me why I was crying that morning. I told him I was just sad. He then said, "If you sing a song, it will make you feel better." I tried singing, There is Sunshine in My Soul Today all day. It didn't help. My visiting teachers came as they were scheduled to, but I really wanted to cancel and be left alone. I didn't talk about it, cause I knew that would bring on more tears and fear. So I tried to smile and get through our 30 minutes of visiting. I had a hat on, so it was difficult to tell that my eyes were puffy from the night before. Kamryn and Carter were in school and Mason took a nap that afternoon. I tried to clean my house as I had planned, but I kept falling apart. I wanted to talk about it with my siblings and Benn, but found it extremely difficult to talk through the tears. My emotions were so close to the surface that the slightest thought about my Dad sent me crying and gasping for air. I don't remember ever in my life crying that way. I physically felt pain. I felt exhausted. I felt numb by the end of the day as the tears would just roll down my cheeks. I was in a deep despair all day. I thought about all the senarios this could play out. In the end, no matter what happens, even if I lost my Dad to cancer the worst thing would be that I would miss him terribly in this life. The gospel of Jesus Christ is comforting. I found this out, even though I felt at such a low this day, I knew I would find peace through the atonement. I thought a lot about the atonement that day. All the pain I felt that day and all the pain my family was going though, that is nothing compared the pain that Christ felt as he atoned for the sins of this world. My love for my Savior grew that day and I knew that I would have to put my faith in Him and He could take away the fear and agony I felt. I just had to make the first move to let go.

I was finally able to talk to my Dad Tuesday night, almost twenty-four hours after I had talked to Jody. I felt much better instantly. He didn't want to talk about the "what if's." He felt fine and that was it. We talked about my kids as we always do and other things going on. Although I felt better, I still cried myself to sleep once again.

Wednesday July 29th 2009 - I woke and started my fast with a prayer and read my scriptures. My entire family was fasting for my Dad. He was having more tests done that day that would help the doctors determine a course of action. I prayed all day for stronger faith. I prayed that whatever the outcome, I would accept it and know that it would be God's will. That night, my brother, Kris, called and told me that indeed the doctor's felt like the tumor was cancerous. And there were lesions found on his lungs and kidney's. It seemed that things were going from bad to worse really quick. My Dad was scheduled to have his kidney out the following Monday and to start chemotherapy two weeks later. The doctor felt like if my Dad had his kidney out on Monday Aug. 3rd, then he would feel well enough to be to the temple on Saturday to see my sister receive her endowments, since she was to be married on the 13th.

My parents didn't want word getting out. They didn't even want us, their kids, to know. They didn't want to ruin Kerry's wedding by this awful news. So mum was the word for the most part. My Dad asked a good friend of his, Joseph Goodman, to give him a blessing that night after his testing. My Dad thinks the world of Joe and sees him as a mentor and perfect example who exhibits Christ like qualities. My family gathered for this priesthood blessing to be given - that is all but me and my family since we were 500 miles away. I later learned that the blessing given to my Dad was a very powerful and touching one. My mom recalled that in the blessing, my Dad was told that his life on earth was not yet complete and that he and my mom would serve a mission together. My Dad would recover and be made whole again. I wish I could have been there so badly. I felt strengthened and in good spirits by the blessing that was given.

Thursday July 30th 2009 - I flew to Salt Lake this day with Kamryn and Mason. My sisters and I were giving Kerry a bridal shower on Saturday and the timing was great. For three days, all I wanted was to be with my family in SLC. My parents came to the airport to pick us up. I was so happy to see my Dad. Words cannot express the relief that came over me. I don't know what I expected, but to see my Dad just the way I knew him to be was so comforting. The weekend was great. I have said many times that I love being with my family and this time was even better. I guess to know that we were all struggling with this new reality and that we would get through it together was comforting. Being far away when the news came was very difficult to say the least. Spending a weekend with my family was just what I needed. My Dad was a new man in a way. He was quiet, but not in the ticking-time-bomb quiet that he sometimes was in the past. He was thoughtful and peaceful. He had no interest in what was on TV or the latest book he was reading, other than the scriptures. He wanted to talk and be with me or whomever was at the house. He wanted to tell Kamryn about his youth. He was a different man for sure. Simply put, it was nice.

To be continued...