The following is what I read in a pamphlet about a new ADHD medication Carter has been put on:
"Let's face it, as a parent, dealing with the disruptive nature of ADHD can send you on an
emotional roller coaster. There are times of sheer frustration and times of great joy."
And on went the informative brochure.
These two sentences are what I have been screaming to Benn, speaking of myself, on a weekly basis for several months! I have been up and down and all around on my emotional spectrum. I know I'm an emotional person on any given day, but it's been way off the charts
recently.
Many times, I have looked up a number for a primary care physician in my network of doctors to get an appointment to get some help. But I haven't quite got to the point of making the call. And get this, not because I have a thing against meds or anti-depressants to be specific, but
because It would cost me $150 for that appointment because of my deductible!!!
That's a costly appointment in my book. So I have put it off time and time
again.
This past Saturday, I had had it! I was frustrated beyond words. The bickering between my kids, the never ending whining, and I really hate to admit it, but I hadn't given Carter his meds that day and he was getting' under my skin like no other. I didn't give him his meds because he hasn't been sleeping and I wanted him to be able to fall asleep that night at decent hour. Well, close to noon, I screamed so loud my neighbors could have heard it, I stomped out of the
room and went to my own room. Slammed the door and began pacing (and crying, but
you probably already guessed that!). After a minute or two, I decided to leave the house. I grabbed my car keys and told Benn I was leaving and going to Walmart (I don't know what
I was thinking. Walmart in and of itself will drive someone to drink!) I had to get some salt for our soft water system, so I thought I should do something productive while I cooled off. After the salt was purchased I didn't have a clue what to do next, but knew I didn't want to go home. I thought about how far I could drive south before Benn would worry. I knew he would
understand my emotional break. I had been talking about it for quite some time. I knew the ward members would pitch in and bring meals and feel sorry for the Brindley family who's
Mom/Wife decided to go MIA. But for some reason, I thought my parents wouldn't be very happy about my decision to cross the border into Mexico, so I opted for a Golden Spoon fro-yo instead. I got my yogurt, drove to the church and ate my sweet treat all by myself. It was so yummy! And when I was done, I prayed.
I love prayer. Here's why. Nobody interrupts you... normally (take that how you want). I can pour out my fears, anxieties, and know that I won't sound silly or be judged by anyone. I can beg shamelessly. I can pause for as long as I want and know that I'm not causing someone to be impatient. I can think. And I always come to the conclusion no matter what that I am loved. That I am heard. And that I'm grateful.
I'll just leave it at that for now.
"Let's face it, as a parent, dealing with the disruptive nature of ADHD can send you on an
emotional roller coaster. There are times of sheer frustration and times of great joy."
And on went the informative brochure.
These two sentences are what I have been screaming to Benn, speaking of myself, on a weekly basis for several months! I have been up and down and all around on my emotional spectrum. I know I'm an emotional person on any given day, but it's been way off the charts
recently.
Many times, I have looked up a number for a primary care physician in my network of doctors to get an appointment to get some help. But I haven't quite got to the point of making the call. And get this, not because I have a thing against meds or anti-depressants to be specific, but
because It would cost me $150 for that appointment because of my deductible!!!
That's a costly appointment in my book. So I have put it off time and time
again.
This past Saturday, I had had it! I was frustrated beyond words. The bickering between my kids, the never ending whining, and I really hate to admit it, but I hadn't given Carter his meds that day and he was getting' under my skin like no other. I didn't give him his meds because he hasn't been sleeping and I wanted him to be able to fall asleep that night at decent hour. Well, close to noon, I screamed so loud my neighbors could have heard it, I stomped out of the
room and went to my own room. Slammed the door and began pacing (and crying, but
you probably already guessed that!). After a minute or two, I decided to leave the house. I grabbed my car keys and told Benn I was leaving and going to Walmart (I don't know what
I was thinking. Walmart in and of itself will drive someone to drink!) I had to get some salt for our soft water system, so I thought I should do something productive while I cooled off. After the salt was purchased I didn't have a clue what to do next, but knew I didn't want to go home. I thought about how far I could drive south before Benn would worry. I knew he would
understand my emotional break. I had been talking about it for quite some time. I knew the ward members would pitch in and bring meals and feel sorry for the Brindley family who's
Mom/Wife decided to go MIA. But for some reason, I thought my parents wouldn't be very happy about my decision to cross the border into Mexico, so I opted for a Golden Spoon fro-yo instead. I got my yogurt, drove to the church and ate my sweet treat all by myself. It was so yummy! And when I was done, I prayed.
I love prayer. Here's why. Nobody interrupts you... normally (take that how you want). I can pour out my fears, anxieties, and know that I won't sound silly or be judged by anyone. I can beg shamelessly. I can pause for as long as I want and know that I'm not causing someone to be impatient. I can think. And I always come to the conclusion no matter what that I am loved. That I am heard. And that I'm grateful.
I'll just leave it at that for now.
4 comments:
I remember one particularly hard day when the triplets were younger. I had not had any breaks during the week and then on Saturday Erron went golfing all day. I knew that I had reached my limit and so when he got home I told him "I'm leaving and I don't know when I am coming back". I went to Target, got something to eat, sat in the car and read a book, and then came home when I knew everyone was in bed.
I think it is totally therapeutic to have a little time to yourself. You need that - even if it is just an hour. To step out of the situation for a moment and get some perspective is always helpful. And prayer always brings comfort.
Love you girl!
You're so right -- you are soooo loved. <3
Amy - It's nice to hear that I'm not the only mom who "loses" it on occasion! So thank you very much for sharing. I don't even have a child with special needs, yet it seems that they all still have their moments! I'm also glad to know that my kids are not the only ones who bicker and whine!
Last week I was making dinner and my youngest 3 children were all totally hyper, fighting, screaming-basically driving me crazy. I couldn't get them to settle down for anything, and I knew I was about to blow. So as soon as the dinner was made I dished myself up a plate, grabbed my car keys, backed out of the garage and closed it. Ben totally freaked out that I left, but I knew he would be fine with big sisters in the house. I didn't even go anywhere - just sat in the driveway, turned the radio to a classical station so I could hear something soothing and ate my delicious dinner in peace. The kids totally I thought I went somewhere. The car in the driveway was enough for me this time - but I totally relate and I'm glad you went to Golden Spoon and the church parking lot instead of Mexico!
Hang in there! You are definitely loved!
What a great post. I just cry thinking of it. It's so true. I fell that so often in my life. I have felt so many times that my silly little prayers are being heard, not because they are important to God, but because I am important to God. One of my all time favorite quotes is...
"Be prayerful. You can't do it alone. You know that. You can not make it alone and do your best. You need the help of the Lord... and the marvelous thing is that you have the opportunity to pray, with the expectation that your prayer will be heard and answered... The marvelous thing about prayer is that it is personal, it's individual it's something that no one else gets into in terms of you speaking with your Father in Heaven in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Be prayerful. As the Lord to forgive your sins. Ask the Lord for help. Ask the Lord to bless you. Ask the Lord to help you realized your righteous ambitions... Ask the Lord for all of the important things that mean so much to you in your lives. He stands Ready to help. Don't ever forget it."
-Gordon B. Hinckley
One other one that I love is...
"Like the polar star in the heavens... there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God. Certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives. He is the rock of our salvation our strength our comfort, the very focus of our faith. In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us.
-Gordon B. Hinckley
k one last one... I know sorry I just love all of these and more, but this is the last one promise...
"Trials come to the strong and the weak- to the sick and the healthy. Yes, the trials will still be there; but with the companionship of the spirit, our approach to trials will change frustrations and heartaches to blessings.
It's interesting to note that from the depths of trial and despair have come some of the most beautiful and classic passages of modern- day scripture- not form the ease of a comfortable circumstance. Might the also be the case in our own lives! From trial come refined beauty.
(this last one is in reference to the revelation received by Joseph Smith in Carthage.)"
-H. Burke Perteson
What an amazing testimony of prayer you have! Thank you for sharing it with me. We love you and pray for you often.
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