Tones of Voice

Think of how often you speak sarcastically or speak in metaphors. Most people do it all the time and most people understand when others are speaking in this way. Well, kids with Asperger's don't get it. Carter definitely doesn't get it.

AS people speak and think literally. In their mind, they expect words to mean what they say. And with sarcasm, it's so confusing because the tone of the voice is everything. But AS people don't pick up on that, so it goes right over their heads and they are left confused and often times frustrated.

I have so many examples of this, just ask my friends and family! Here one that is fresh in my memory, CARPOOLING. I told Carter one morning that we were going to carpool with W that particular week. He didn't understand the meaning of carpool. When he was picked up from school and dropped off by W, Carter asked her if they were going to do the car pool. W, who knows Carter, got a kick out of him asking that and tried to explain as I did that morning. He really thought there was a pool somewhere in her car. I can't imagine how confused he was trying to figure that one out.

Another one that we have spent some time on is baby shower, bridal shower, any kind of shower. I actually had him come to a shower with me one time to see what it was all about. I think he thought it was all weird and silly. And it is. Why call it a shower when it's not really a shower. It's a party!

Joking and teasing. This is a difficult one and my heart has broken a couple times when I have seen Carter get frustrated when he is being teased (in a fun manner) and he just doesn't get it. He has told me and others, usually adults that he doesn't like joking or teasing. One day he was getting very impatient with me because we had walked down to J's home to do what I thought would be a quick errand. Well, it turned out to be a bit more than that. Carter wanted to go home and was being quite verbal and rude about it. J has a fun home with many toys which Carter usually enjoys playing with, but this particular day, he was not in the mood. He wanted to be home so he could ride his scooter. J, seeing that I was getting frustrated told Carter, "I want you to come up here right now and play with my toys." She said it sternly, but I knew she was teasing him because while she said it, she smiled.

As I looked at Carter, he was pulling on his eyes trying to keep the tears from falling. I could tell he was confused and I tried to explain to my friend that he doesn't understand it when people say something but intend a different meaning. I think my eyes started to tear up as well watching this all play out. I told Carter that J was just teasing him. It was then that he matter of factly said to J that he doesn't like teasing!

I have so many more totally funny examples of this, but we have to be careful not to laugh too much because Carter now understands that he is not getting something that the rest of us do, which makes him uncomfortable and causes him to sometimes get upset. I have seen kids/adults be nice to him, but he has taken it wrong and has responded rudely. And I have seen kids tease him in a not-so-nice way and he thinks they are being friendly. It's hard for me because I want to protect him, but I know that he needs these experiences to learn. I just don't know when to jump in and when to let things go. And more and more, I can tell Carter wants me to let things go, so maybe I'll just follow his lead. But the mother in me, wants to know what happened, who said what, who did what, so I can explain and teach Carter and if need be explain to the other kids around how Carter interprets things.

It's all a guessing game, really.